How to Play "If I Won the Lottery"

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Reader Comments (45)

If you don't take care of them promptly, they'll start expecting you to give them money.

April 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGawain

Got this with my subscription. Still funny second time around.

April 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMichael

Great comic, as usual. The lottery IS a tax on the stupid ;)

BTW, I'm still waiting for a paypal alternate in order to subscribe...

April 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMiguel

I still can't put my finger on what exactly Jenkins meant by "taken care of"

April 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBayo

And I'd buy an exact copy of Airwolf and smoke both of you!

April 26, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjpoteet2

If I won the lottery, I'd make sure that Scott Meyer could keep writing Basic Instructions without having to worry about it.

April 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNate @ House of Annie

Playing the lottery: 1 in several million.
Not playing the lottery: 0 in several million.
Playing it (ONCE) increases your odds by infinity percent.
Buying more than one ticket either doesn't affect your odds at all, or it doubles them, depending on how you look at it.
I leave room for luck (buying 1 ticket) without playing like I expect to win (buying a lot of tickets).
It's not a bad fantasy to buy for a buck. I'm sure the fantasy isn't as good without actually having a ticket.

April 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterZak

Is Jenkins becoming the new series buttmonkey? Has Rick been promoted to loveable sidekick?!

April 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRoy

How to beat the lottery? Many people buy a ticket the day before the drawing. Cost of one day's fantasies? $1. Instead buy the ticket, seal it in an envelope, and don't look at the news or your ticket for a whole month. Cost of a month's fantasies? Same $1. But you realized a 3000 percent gain on your dollar investment!

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHenry Bayer

Ahem:
After some very shrewd investing, my wish list goes like this:

P-51D Mustang
P-38J Lightning
F-104 Starfighter
F-86 Sabrejet
Private airport
Av-gas
Jet fuel
Pilot's license
Irrelevant nonsense like helping other people that I happen to like.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDrake

Wasn't sure it this one could get better than the first panel, which had me laughing out loud, but each panel managed to make me laugh louder. Pure win all around! (I'm certain I'll use that line from panel one in real life, though, when the situation comes up: "By not playing, I'm winning a buck.")

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCR

it was great coming and going :)

is it my imagination or are you at the half way mark on subscribers?

Note from Scott: As of today, 275. The perspective of the 2x4 makes it a tad deceptive.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterisiah

I've always coveted Secret Squrrel's amazing briefcase, not to mention his cannon hat and machine-gun coat with a rat-ta-ta-ta-tat!

(Have I remembered that correctly? I want the stuff, anyway)

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPaddy

Is Jenkins the new Rick? He seems to get his ass kicked in every strip these days.

Note from Scott: It's a subtle difference. I Torture Rick out of love. I torture Jenkins out of disdain.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVasu

Jenkins is the goody-goody? Well, I suppose that having more imaginary money than you can ever spend changes you. It might not last for real. And he doesn't want to be -around- them.

Jesus, whom I'm not so much a fan of as I used to be, proposed that it isn't unusually moral or religious to do good by your relatives: everyone does that. Actually (well, according to the bible, which may not be "actually" at all), when he was feeling strict or grouchy, he'd be all "To hell with your relatives." He also announces what will get you damned in the Last Judgment: "I was hungry and you gave Me no food, I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me." Then he explains, "Inasmuch as you did or did not do it to one of the least of these My Brethren, you did or did not it to me." (I'm consolidating.)

Christian scholars have often puzzled over the extent of "these My Brethren". Some say that it means everybody in the world, some say it's anyone who goes to the same church as you - which is a lot easier, and cheaper. For this reason you may think twice before conducting evangelism and sending missionaries to poor people in Africa: a Brethren is for life, not just for baptising. Instead you should send a missionary to someone like Donald Trump, although I hear they already got him, if you believe that.

By the way, about visiting the sick, what about quarantine? In fact, Jesus, what about miraculous healing? Wouldn't that be better than keeping people sick so that we have to visit them? Huh. Maybe not. Okay, I think I see what you're doing here. But, you know what? Right now, -I'm- sick. I have the cold. I don't have Christians visiting me. Now, I don't -want- them to, but, even so.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRobert Carnegie

I've always said, regrading the lottery, that you can't lose if you don't play.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTK

Does your brother really believe the General Lee is better than KITT is?

Are you worried you share half you genes with this guy?

Note from Scott: Yes and yes.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterC.S.Strowbridge

Bayo: I think he intended to mean "provided for in retirement."

Provided for in /eternal/ retirement, that is. BV

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMrGuy

I would finance a working full size Thunderbird 2 then invite you all to suck it!

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermayhemfunkster

Last panel is a pure win for the double meaning dialogues. :)

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterhari

> I'd buy an exact copy of Airwolf and smoke both of you!

I don't know about an exact copy of Airwolf.

The flying Airwolf helicopter was actually a Bell 222, serial number 47085, sometimes unofficially called a Bell 222A. During filming of the series, the helicopter was owned by Jetcopters, Inc. of Van Nuys, California.The helicopter was eventually sold after the show ended and became an ambulance helicopter in Germany, where it crashed in a thunderstorm and was destroyed on June 6, 1992, killing all three crew members.

Maybe that's how Jenkins could "take care" of his parents...make it look like a helicopter accident.

Note from Scott: Besides, Blue Thunder was much cooler!

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterairworlfnonymous

AAaaaargh... jpoteet2, I now have the Airwolf music playing in my head over and over and over!

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVelli

Come on, an english electric lightning and ppl!!! FTW

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTheGalgut

"Submarine dock into sex grotto" made me spit my coffee! HA!

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLime D. Zeze

I'd pay Buzz Aldrin to travel around the world accompanied by an expensive lawyer and punch all the moon-landing denialists in the nose.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGriz

I had a ticket for the recent $640M lottery. After "paying off everyone's debt" and a few other incidental goody-goody stuff, my entire list consisted of "skull-shaped volcanic island lair."

I mean, come on. If you're going to dream, DREAM.

Plus, I'll bet there's one on Craig's List.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGary H.

As far as the exact copies go, I'd certainly go with KITT if it had the actual abilities of the car in the show - pursuit mode, invulnerability, turbo boost, one touch conversion from t-top to convertible, etc - but if it was just a regular 80's Trans Am vs a Charger 500, I'd go with the Charger.

Ignoring the actual show, how would you stack the Trans Am KITT from the original series against the Mustang KITT from the reboot series? It's absurd from a physics standpoint, but I'd really like the shape shifting ability of the Mustang KITT: get clocked by the radar? Just put on a little burst of speed, get a large vehicle between you and the cop, and morph the car into something he won't recognize. Hard to top that.

Note from Scott: Yeah, but Mustang KITT had no personality.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHari

The mathematical improbability is what makes playing the lottery feel so good.

Which is why I always play the same six consecutive numbers. Because it's thoroughly improbable.

Also, I'd make and live in a full scale replica of Lee Major's house from The Fall Guy.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRizz Rustbolt

I found a lottery ticket in my front yard one morning.

Sure it wasn't the winner; but it gave me a new strategy. So I check my yard every morning.

The odds of having a ticket in my yard is considerably more than the odds of winning; so even calculating both together I have perhaps half the odds of winning without having to spend any money at all.

Someday someone will lose the winning ticket, it'll blow into my yard, I'll find it, and I'll win. That or I really didn't have the chance to win anyhow. I'm not actually making my odds significantly worse than if I bought a ticket, if I'm really that lucky I'll win anyhow.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergekkobear

Never mind all that crap, I'd buy the Starship Enterprise! and a Tim Horton's franchise, apparently that's like a license to print money (Yes, I'm Canadian, and yes, it's a licence to print Canadian money, but still....)

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSolak

Roy, I think Rick has been upgraded to lovable buttmonkey.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterK7

I'm gonna start calling my basement the "sex-grotto".

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTrip Hazard

Leave it to the Germans to fly a helicopter ambulance with guns and missles on board.

Between Blue Thunder and Air Wolf? Eh, I'd have to go Air Wolf. Then it could fly me to Scaramanga's island (The Man With the Golden Gun), which I would now own. And from there I could make my plans for world domination.

Note from Scott: I'd go with Syndrome's island from The Incredibles.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMike N

Robert Carnegie, I think it's the cold medicine talking (not so much the content as the style)
If I won a big lottery, I just wouldn't show up at work the day after I collected.
I'd send pizzas, though, with rude messages spelled out in pepperonis and black olives
"Eat it, boys, I'm outta here!"
"Bite ME"
...Etc.

April 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDee

If he won the lottery,, Rick could put the sex grotto inside the submarine, and then he gets to have it both ways.

I meant having both the sex grotto and submarine dock, but take all the double meanings you want!

April 28, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterphaser

I buy a tallboy for $1.16 American USD Dollars American every other day. I think I could afford a $1 lotto ticket every couple weeks.

April 28, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAdam

@Solak: My local T-Ho's is printing plenty of US legal tender. They do love my Canadian (Yellow Lab) dog, though.

Remember kids: Leave the wet work to the professionals.

Goes to fire up Leon: The Professional on the big screen.

April 28, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSoul of Wit

Sex-grotto; a word, um, inbuiltly sick and funny, Roger Corman goes Penthouse. The Swamp Thing is likely involved, maybe dispensing steamed towels at the entrance.

April 28, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterM. Möhling

Scott: Syndrome's Island? Cool retro-60's style, I'll give you that. But too much overhead, what with the army of (inept) henchmen required to run it. We've seen how that works out for the Moon Emperor. My island would only need a creepy midget to keep things shipshape.

April 28, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMike N

I would hire a guy to follow me around with a 2-liter bottle of God's perfect beverage (Coke) and make sure I never see an empty glass again. Every time he would pour, he would shout "Suck it, peasants!"

Either that or put it all in the bank, never spend it, and go about my life as if I had never won. That way people would always wonder what I did with all that money that I still have to work at my horrible job but have absolutely no material possessions to show for it. Their confusion (and possibly frustration) would sustain me.

April 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGiondi

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