How to Spot an Insincere Apology

Look, I’m new to this self-publishing thing, so please keep that in mind when I say: if you’re one of those who were waiting to buy my book from the Google Play store, but have not yet purchased it in another format, please wait a few more days. I know I said the book would not be available on Play, but I have been contacted by someone from the Play Store, and we’re working on the problem.  They’ve been very pleasant and helpful about the situation, and I have been assured that they are revamping their entire publisher interface in an effort to make it less confusing. If you were waiting for the Play store, then went ahead and bought a copy elsewhere because I told you to, I’m sorry, but on the bright side, the Play version will likely be a bit more expensive than the Kindle and Nook editions.

Thanks for your patience, and for using my Amazon Affiliate links (USUKCanada).

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Reader Comments (27)

Hurray for irony.

April 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

That first panel is amazing.

April 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPatrick

Sounds like you need to add a "convenience fee" to patrons of the Google Play store.

April 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterClamdigger

That first panel is bar none the funniest thing I've read this year.

April 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNick H

If it makes you feel better, Google Play is a pain in the butt to affiliates as well....

April 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLis

The first panel is amazing. The last panel--valid point. Though I've given that form of apology in the past and been sincere, and people often assume I'm just trying to be a jerk. Not always the case.

Even if you haven't changed your opinion (or feel justified in your actions), you can still truly regret the fact that you upset a friend. It's a show of empathy, like when you say "I'm sorry your uncle died," rather than an admittance of wrongdoing, like when you say "I'm sorry I murdered your uncle and fed him to my cats."

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSaela

If anyone ever informs me that I apologize too much, I'm using that.
(I'm also going to use your insult some day: "You're angry and easily offended." If anyone knows which comic that's from, the title would be appreciated. I just spent like half an hour digging through the archives looking for it.)

I think you're looking for the perfect insult, "You're argumentative and easily offended," found in How to Share a Great Discovery (link) ~Missy

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterWaladil

First panel - pure 22 carat cartoon gold!

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPaddy

I'm a master of the fourth panel kind of apology. I can't tell you how many times I've said, "If you don't want to be called stupid, don't say stupid things."

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterC.S.Strowbridge

Obviously, you need to tell these peeps who insist on Google Play to pound sand. Forget the apology. I suspect insincerity, but that's just me.

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMr. Obvious

Did Google Play apologize?

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermohrorless

I would like to buy your book but I only read in Urdu. My preferred reader is a VT100 attached to a PDP11, so could you publish it on 8-1/2" hard sector floppies? Thanks!

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterstephen

@Paddy, i think you mean 24-karat

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDestructicon

Soooo, Google is saying Google Play is fixed in the next release?

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMikeS

Hooray for procrastination! Google Play it will be!

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTom

Wow- what a rough day for Scott!
I'm sorry I laughed about your rough day, Scott, but it was your fault.

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBabyDoc

The first panel is true masterpiece.

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDave

You missed my favorite: "I'm sorry you overreacted to my reasonable behavior."

Also its close cousin, "I'm sorry that it hurts when I'm careless with your feelings."

I guess these fit into the categories you've outlined, but there's a real deep vein of material to mine here.

Also, I've lived through the first panel so many times it's not even funny. If I'm right, and that first panel was *esprit d'escalier*, I'm sorry that you've had the same experience as me.

And I'm sorry, in advance, for stealing your perfect answer. I may not think to answer that way the next time it happens, or the time after that, but soon, and for the rest of my life.

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJoel

The first panel is some kind of Zen riddle, like if someone says "You should stop listening to what other people tell you."

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterVaughn

So Scott - when will your book be out in Mandarin Chinese?

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHanover Fiste

Just downloaded and read your book.

Props, Dude. Props.

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTeelabrown

First clue they aren't sincere is when they actually use the words "I apologize" instead of "I'm sorry". I am sorry would be a lie.
Similarly: "Mistakes were made" is different than "I screwed up".

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAvery Greynold

@Joel: Agree that last panel is eerily reminiscent of the middle-school classic:

"Mommy, Mommy! Billy just called me stupid!"
"Now, Billy, you apologize to your sister this instant."
"I'm sorry you're stupid, sis."

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBilly

The one I hear the most is the passive-aggressive apology. "I'm so sorry, I'm such a horrible person, can you ever forgive me, whaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Given 5 seconds after they did whatever they did, which means you don't even have time to be mad. And if you do get mad, you get painted as the bad guy.

My dad is the master at that.

April 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterEllendra

How about the reverse apology: "I'm sorry if you feel that my actions have offended you" (or, in other words, "I'm sorry that you're such an oversensitive crybaby that you can't see the humor in my light-hearted attempt to lighten the atmosphere by denigrating you, your ancestors, your offspring, etc...")

April 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJoel

Welcome to life as a Canadian...

Btw, Google Play sucks for everyone, and most of the time they don't do anything to help people who publish on their platform. Their interface isn't just difficult, it's completely broken. They are really not worth your time.

April 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterM@

Well, you can be sorry even if you didn't do wrong.

First panel is hilarious though.

April 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNicolas
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