Join the Basic Instructions Subscription Service!
Or, please consider donating just a little something to help keep Basic Instructions going.
Thanks as always for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).
Like Australia - were everything is out to kill you...
There are not enough words to express how awesome this strip is.
Panels 2 and 4 are keepers.
Ah, but at least there's no such thing as the Florida Unpleasantness. Unless of course they just don't talk about it...?
OK, this is just ridiculous. Florida has more than just murderous animals. What about the dengue fever and amoebic meningoencephalitis?
pfft. You want someplace where death stalks you at every turn? Try living in Australia.
I believe it was Dave Barry who suggested that the official tourism motto of Miami should be "maybe you won't get shot".
"Come to Florida, America's Australia"
I see you wrote "Florida" repeatedly, but I think you meant "Louisiana".
Scott, you are uniquely qualified to comment on Florida, since you have been to Gatorland!
Florida: If death isn't stalking you because you're a naive young tourist, it's stalking you because you're an elderly resident.
Old people behind the wheel, awful education system, trainwreck economy everywhere but, like, Orlando, and hurricanes are accepted as a typical phenomenon. Plus drug dealers are EVERYWHERE. This place is crazy.
As I read this I thought "I'll make a witty comment about Australia being dangerous." Obviously everyone else had the same idea :)
Though we don't have alligators. We do have 17 foot crocodiles, venomous snakes, venomous fish, venomous jellyfish, venomous spiders, and my all time favourite, the venomous platypus.
I just checked and it's true about the giant extra-painful mosquitoes. Thanks for the heads up! But the giant painful ones don't carry as many diseases as some smaller mosquitoes. There's always a silver lining, tralala.
RE: Louisiana, the Cajun for "if it's not one thing it's another" is "si c'est pas les maringouins, c'est les chaboulures". Which means "If it's not the blood-sucking insects, it's the sweat rash."
I think it's all you need to know about the place.
See, this is why more people should get on board my supervillain campaign. The very first item on my list is driving the mosquito to extinction.
Florida: The Australia of America.
They should make that their new state motto.
@BWM There are no crocodiles or large boas in Louisiana. (The biggest constrictor you'd have to worry about down there is a King Snake or Corn Snake) I used to live practically IN the swamp down there, more or less liked it, and -I- wouldn't live in Florida. There might be lots of mosquitoes, but I don't remember any particularly large and painful ones. We also aren't plagued constantly by angry tourists who all want to go to some part of Disney World.
...It is pretty hot there, though? I guess?
You forgot sharks and riptides in the ocean, poisonous spiders/snakes, and disgruntled Disney World employees.
(Yet I somehow managed to live in Florida for 12 years and survive.)
Oh, yeah. Florida. I went there for a job in 2000. The job ended in 2004 and I was stuck until the end of 2011. Florida has three seasons: fall, spring and Hell. Hell lasts for 6 months.
You're right, Scott. Absolutely right. In fact, I encourage you and every other person living in Florida who feels this way to evacuate immediately! Certainly we don't want you getting hurt or having to deal with a little bit of sweat.
I am a Native Floridian, by the way. Frankly, we liked it better when all you non-Floridians just visited, spent your money, and then left. Now y'all are stayin' down here all the time and the traffic in Orlando is worse than ever. For crap's sake, they 4-laned Narcoossee Road clear all the way down to 192 in Osceola County! There used to be nothing but abandoned orchards, a few houses, and bupkis out there, now they're puttin' in strip malls and houses for all the folk who're movin' down here.
Now, what makes this comic and all the other complaints about Florida so hilarious is that you all still live here and continue to move down here. It's what's always annoyed me the most about people from New York (City), the way they complain about how their city was so much better, yet they're living here.
So I'm curious, mister Meyer, what exactly compels you to remain in a state you find so invariably hostile? I know you are exaggerating for comedic effect, but the comic echoes so many serious complaints I've heard from transplants that I wonder if it's so terrible, why do you remain?
Anyway, not really offended. I thought the comic was hilarious, really, since I try to tell my friends just how nasty it can get down here. But I'm just so confused about all the serious whinging going on, when I frankly love it down here. The only thing I don't like about Florida is the large numbers of complete a-hole wankers moving here from out of state and crowding my roads with their half-arsed Yankee driving habits and constant complaining about how terrible it is to be here.
His wife loves it in Florida. The heat and humidity are great for her arthritis, which means she doesn't need to use her cane like she did in Seattle. ~Missy
I love how Rick has a big smile on his face when talking about giant extra-painful mosquitoes. He's obviously into suffering, big time.
This is the funniest thing I've read here in a long time.
I live in that hellhole we call a state. I've lived there for pretty much all of my life.
Here are some deadly things he forgot to mention: bull sharks in our biggest river, other sharks along our shores, jellyfish, lethal red tide algae, panthers, bears, hurricanes, tornadoes, four types of venomous snake, two types of lethally venomous spider, feral circus monkeys in our national forests, encroaching killer bees in the panhandle, loosed pet piranha in some of our rivers, and a state bird that looks cute and sings like an angel but will attack a grown man out of spite.
Whereas most states have spring, summer, autumn, winter, we Floridians have two seasons: summer and "oh dear God, the air caught fire and yet we're drowning when we breathe."
This state is the deepest pit of Hell.
Florida; God's Waiting Room
Fun fact, Queensland is Australia's 'Sunshine State'. I like to think of it as the deadliest of the deadliest.
And if you survive the traffic, the clime and the beasties, a trip to Waffle House will do you in. Scattered, covered, smothered and sclerosed.
Florida is for the people who can't build a Dyson sphere, but still want to live on the surface of the Sun.
I prefer to think of the sinkhole episode as Florida exercising its legal rights under the "stand your ground" law.
Those aren't just boa constrictors. They're Burmese pythons. Sooooo much bigger.
Having grown up in (and thankfully escaped) Florida, I agree with everything you've said Scott. Also? Serial killers. All over the place. The show Criminal Minds actually makes a joke about it.
It's been a while since I laughed out loud, but panel 4 did it.Thanks!
For all you folks complaining about the weather in Florida... why do you think Northerners come down for vacationing (or retirement)? Up here in the northeast, we have about 3 weeks of "summer", and 6 months of winter. Seriously, people, it's almost April and I still have snow on most of my lawn.
Florida: A Sunny Place For Shady People
Missy, and everybody else who suffers from (rheumatoid) arthritis;Try ashwagandha.I know you've tried everything else (I sure did)As far as I can find, it doesn't conflict with any medications, or have harmful side effects; it's also used as a general tonic.It is slow to get results; it suppreses enzymes that attack cartilege, so the cartilege can heal itself, which goes slowly, so take it every day for at least three weeks to begin to see results.It's not expensive (get the capsules; pills or caplets aren't as effective) and everyone I know who has tried it has got results.
Florida, where the manatees are the only living species not out to kill you - yet!
The reason I wouldn't move to Florida is that it apparently is home to humorless truculent people like Rokas.
Uh, Kevin? You might want to re-read the archive for a different opinion on that one.
@Zee Frankly, I'm less afraid of big constrictor snakes than I am of small venomous ones, and I'm pretty sure nothing in the bayou is NOT lethal. My mom still tells the story of her friend who went skiing in the swamps, ramped off of a log or something, and landed in this giant orgy-ball of incredibly lethal snakes. He was bit so many times he died in seconds, all by snakes in mid-coitus. As for tourists, you get some in New Orleans, but I'd take them all over the most corrupt government outside of DC. Oh, also? Massive spiders that make tree-spanning webs.
But hey, great seafood!
I grew up in Florida, back when dinosaurs ruled the earth and people laughed out loud at the prospect of a Reagan presidency. I got autographs from both Bill Haast *and* his wife, at the Miami Serpentarium, and attended the Cracker Day Parade in Deerfield Beach, many times, some of them voluntary. I endured tourists, hurricanes, and the supersaturated ecosystem of America's Penis.
It was indeed a hellish state. I left for college, and only returned once, for a single winter break with a high school friend. I can't say I've had the urge even to visit in the many decades I've been gone.
I like to think of my home state as the designated nuthouse/retirement facility for the rest of the country. Dump your undesirables here and let accredited Floridians deal with them (and don't forget to visit the gift shop before you go!). After all, in this state the unwary are culled by face-eaters, human *and* crocodilian.
We lived there for a few years - I call it a toilet with palm trees. People who live there dump their shit everywhere and the daily rain is the toilet flushing!
Notify me of follow-up comments via email.