I really wish that Rick actually answers his phone like that. Exactly like that.

I want that ring tone.

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring... Rrrrrick phone!

Yes, I understand why you would not use that line on your wife. Oh yes.

The problem is, knowing my friends, they will instantly catch on and just jokingly over-react to compensate, making their response more satirical of the intent of what is to be expected, thus cleverly worming their way out of the loophole.
As such, Missy is right, there is still room for improvement.

"...yeah, and so are your pants!"

So of course, upon reading this, I had try to come up with a comeback. I think my best so far is, "And I find you a poor judge of character..."

"I find you to be argumentative & easily offended."
"Yeah, so are your pants!"
This is the argument me & my brother are going to have over & over & over into infinity or until we get sick of it. Our mom will be so thrilled. Well played, Meyer. Well played.

Two comics ago, it was 2013. Last comic, it was 2012. Now we're back to 2013. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!!

"So is your face!"

If someone told me that, I'm fairly certain I would just pause a moment, then laugh briefly and say, "Well spotted."

So there is that one fatal flaw.

My response to that would be very simple:

"Why yes, I am quite argumentative. Too bad for you I'm GOOD at it, huh? Now, if you're going to resort to ad hominem attacks..."

I think I may have one...
"I find you to be argumentative and easily offended"
"SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!! Oh! I'm sorry! This is Abuse! You want room 12a, next door... Stupid git"
Well, I think paraphrasing Monty Python is a suitable comeback in this situation anyway.

The question is, does this argument trump the Universal Comeback? I would argue so, as it's hard for pants to be argumentative or easily offended.

I'd use this on one of my friends, but he self-describes as an argumentative asshole, so it doesn't really work as an insult.

My comeback would be 'What an exquisitely Passive-Aggressive assertion.' ;)

Effective comebacks:

Disquieting agreement: "Thanks!"
Counter-shaming: "I'm sorry. How can I do better in the future?"
The turnaround: "Examples, please."
It's all in their head (or, they're a bad person): "That sounds about right coming from you."
Psychoanalytical: "Are you sure you're not just projecting? Why do you think you feel this way?"
Perversely disappointed (or, subtly menacing): "But not spiteful and vindictive?"
Cheap: "That's what your mom said when I dumped her for your sister."
Condescending: "My, that's a lot of syllables."
Dismissive: "If you say so." (requires eye roll)
Creepy: "Tell me more." (maintain eye contact for 60 seconds, no blinking)
Creepier: "I knew someone understood me. What are you doing later?"
Even creepier: "Is that working for you?"
Creepiest: "I can't quit you." (smile and move in for kiss)
Deflection to left field: "I like pie."

Oh Yeah?! Well you fight like a cow!

Best comeback to that is "Whatever" said in a bored/uncaring tone. It proves them wrong and dismisses them all in one word.

Beat them with kindness. "I'm sorry to have offended you. I will work in future to remedy this character flaw."

Ad hominem attacks are a flaw in argumentative techniques, but actually the right thing in attempted insults. If you're proud of your argumatuve technique, Snails, Scott's perfect insult is flawed for a different reason than I think you're suggesting. Uess what I'm alluding to is what you're suggesting, in which case, well played.

I think your audience is very contrary. Everyone is trying to argue that they DO have a comeback :-)

Response:
If that observation were true, it's not a logical action to confront me with the observation. Thus, I find you illogical.

/spock

"I'm sure someone like you would. =) "

Awesome discovery! One cannot try to worm themselves out of it. Either try to argue it and prove it's right or try to laugh it off and prove that the insult does indeed doesn't have a comeback.

Well played.

You could always use the headlock.

Then you have to know how to exhibit good form.

Or risk a noogie.

"Fish."

+1 to "How appropriate; you fight like a cow!"
Monkey Island FTW! :)
(originally a comeback to the insult "You fight like a dairy farmer.")

How many wives has your dad had? (Mine is on his 3rd, and dont forget the long term mistress which ended #1.) With his evidently witty banter with them, it would not surprise me to learn there was a 3rd.

I think you should do an Instruction on keeping them straight, and probably another on keeping them apart.

@Lummox JR - you have too much time on your hands, or are frequently insulted. How do you come up with a list like that?

Forwarded to everyone I know named Rick (or Richard).

Also, my response: "I find you to be unnecessarily generous and an excellent judge of character."

It sounds like an insult, and it toes the line of sarcasm close enough that they aren't totally sure if it's a real compliment or a sarcastic comeback. Their anticipated response of, "Um... thanks?" Is met with, "No Dave, thank you." (Because my best friend's name is Dave as well.)

So if it's Dad's joke on his second wife, is she still married to him, or has he been forced to move onto wife number three?

"While I disagree with your judgment as a whole, I am not perfect and I understand there may be room for improvement. Could you give a few suggestions on how I can improve my behavior?"

"You would."

"Only with you."

Or, if appropriate, the long version; "Only with you. Decent people find me quite agreeable."

"I'm also extremely violent and sexually disturbed"

I tried to do the full Cyrano but ran out of ideas after 14.

Scott that is absolutely amazing! I shall from here on hence forth always use it when dealing with forum trolls.

@Lummox JR I'm going to print that list, laminate it and put it in my wallet for easy reference

I prefer the old Monkey Island standby: "I am rubber, you are glue!"

"Except in bed."