How to Open a Snack Quietly — Basic Instructions

I went to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens on the night it premiered. I decided to treat myself, and bought a box of Whoppers. I don’t know why I thought spending five bucks on a box of a candy I would never consider buying in any other setting struck me as a treat, but I guess I was just swept up in the moment.

Anyway, the movie starts, I throw a Whopper in my mouth, bite down, and become convinced that the sound of me chewing is so loud that I must be ruining the movie for everyone within a four seat radius. I spent the first quarter of that movie trying to time my chewing with loud noises. You might think it would spoil the film for me, but it kind of turned the movie into a game.

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