How to Explain the Way the World Really Works

I should write a management book based on this idea. The general theme would be that the attitudes of the people at the top of an organization will percolate down through the rest of the organization in the form of disfunction and abuse, and will eventually flow into the customers, who will take their business elsewhere, hurting the bottom line, further damaging the outlook of the company’s leaders, and starting the whole process again.

It’s a gross oversimplification, based on a half-thought-out theory, by me, a man with almost no real business experience.

I suspect it would sell.

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How to Manage Other People's Expectations

There was once a man, an infamous man, named Fred Freiberger.

He came in as the executive producer for the third season of Star Trek, a season famous for a noticeable drop in the show’s overall quality. At the end of the third season, Star Trek was canceled.

Later, he executive produced the second season of Space: 1999, a season that saw many drastic changes to the tone and cast of the show, and in many people’s opinions, a noticeable drop in quality. At the end of the second season, Space: 1999 was canceled.

Fred moved on to a spot as the executive producer of the fifth season of The Six Million Dollar Man. There was no sixth season.

It’s tempting to blame him for killing these three beloved science-fiction series, and many people do, but it’s not entirely fair. He had a hand in many successful, long running shows, including the Super Friends and All in the Family. (Didn’t expect those shows to share any creative staff, did you?) Also, all three of those shows had seen drastic budget cuts and creative changes as he was brought in. Indeed, that’s why he was brought in.

So, it’s not fair to say that Fred Freiberger killed TV shows. But, it is fair to say that the hiring of Fred Freiberger as an executive producer was not a good sign.

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How to Learn from Defeat

Our house has all tile floors. Not a single room has carpet. We do, however, have two rugs, because rugs serve an important purpose.

My point is that in a whole house of hard surfaces with only two rugs, guess where the cats throw up about 90% of the time.

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How to Explain Why You Want What You Want

Back when I wrote this, my understanding was that you could find a running example of a Ferrari 308 for as little as $35,000. Prices have gone up since then, but here’s a “Bring a Trailer” listing for a Magnum P.I.-era Ferrari that sold for $55,555 back in July. Now, that’s not nothing, but it’s also less than many people spend for an SUV these days.

Here’s one that, as of the day I’m posting it, is up for auction, though in a different shade of red.

For that money, you’ll get a beautiful car that isn’t very reliable, is super expensive to have fixed, and is surprisingly slow by modern standards. Don’t take my word for it, here’s a genuine car expert, James May of Top Gear and The Grand Tour, explaining why he had this exact type of Ferrari, and why he sold it.

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How to Find the Bright Side

For my eulogy, I want someone to solemnly recite the lyrics to the theme song from Thunderball (by the late, great John Barry), reworded to be in the past tense.

He always (ran) while others (walked);
(He’d act) while other men just (talked).
They (called) him the winner who (took) all;
And (he’d strike) like Thunderball

He (knew) the meaning of success;
His needs (were) more so he (gave) less.
He (looked) at this world and (wanted) it all;
Then (he’d strike) like Thunderball

Any woman he (wanted, he'd) get;
He (would) break any heart without regret

His days of asking are all gone;
His fight goes on, and on, and on.
But he (thought) that the fight (was) worth it all;
So (he’d strike) like Thunderball...

How to Understand Your Parents' Wisdom

The magnet was broken in half, and as such was no longer good for its designed purpose, so mom gave it to us (after boiling it, I hope).

I never asked how the magnet got broken in half. Having been told what it was used for, I didn’t want to know.

Later I discovered I was misinformed. The magnet doesn’t pass through the cow, it lodges in one of its four stomachs and just sits there collecting metal for the rest of the cow’s life. It’s amazing how you can learn something new and have it only raise more questions.

Here’s an example. Just picture this, snapped cleanly in half.

They are also available on amazon, but I felt like the veterinary supply website would be more evocative.

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How to Understand a New Technology's Place in Your Life

For a long time, I did use my phone as a pocket watch. I had an acquaintance tell me that was a bad idea, because he knew someone who did that, and was always late because the cellphone time was off.

I told him that my understanding was that the proper functioning of the cellular phone system depends on accurate time keeping, and that every time you reboot the phone, it queries the network and gets the correct time, so odds are your cell phone is far more accurate than even a quartz watch.

He responded with the one counter-argument that is almost always guaranteed to get my goat after I’ve made a detailed point. He looked at me, shook his head, said, “No,” and did not elaborate further.

Bear in mind, this is the same guy who claimed to have invented Dr Pepper, in the 1960s, by mixing all of the flavors at a soda fountain together in one cup.

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How to Face Adversity

When I was a kid, I had more than one model kit that could be described as “glouie.” No matter what I built—be it an airplane, a spaceship, or a car—I would end up explaining that its owner customized their vehicle by painting giant thumbprints on its body in several places.

I have considered maybe trying out one of Bandai’s Mobile Suit Gundam model kits, as they are highly detailed, snap together (So they require no glue), and the pieces are molded in color (so they require no paint).

I haven’t done it yet because I feel like I don’t know enough about Mobile Suit Gundam, so I wouldn’t really understand the importance of the different models. I’d just be making cool looking giant robots and putting them in badass poses like they’re fighting.

Note: It’s a few days later. I’ve educated myself a little about Mobile Suit Gundam. Turns out it’s mainly a series of movies and TV shows about cool looking giant robots in badass poses, fighting.

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How to Get the Details Right

Here’s NASA’s explanation of meteor vs. meteoroid vs. meteorite.

I suspect that all of these names were invented by a scientist who was trying to make another scientist feel dumb by making up a different word to correct his co-worker with no matter what he called a space rock.

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How to Tell Someone that They Are out of Line

For the record, I have no problem with your “imported tentacle romantic fiction” as long as you peruse it somewhere private.

In my old office job, one of the people who had the job before me was fired. Later, his supervisor found a treasure trove of pornography on his work computer. Really, that’s the best time for your coworkers to find your office porn stash: after you’ve already been fired for something else. All the bridges are burned, they can’t do anything more to punish you, and because you don’t speak to any of them anymore, all of the discomfort is theirs.

Although, in that case the discomfort was mostly mine, as I sat at his old desk.

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