How to Learn from Defeat
Our house has all tile floors. Not a single room has carpet. We do, however, have two rugs, because rugs serve an important purpose.
How to Explain Why You Want What You Want
Back when I wrote this, my understanding was that you could find a running example of a Ferrari 308 for as little as $35,000. Prices have gone up since then, but here’s a “Bring a Trailer” listing for a Magnum P.I.-era Ferrari that sold for $55,555 back in July. Now, that’s not nothing, but it’s also less than many people spend for an SUV these days.
For that money, you’ll get a beautiful car that isn’t very reliable, is super expensive to have fixed, and is surprisingly slow by modern standards. Don’t take my word for it, here’s a genuine car expert, James May of Top Gear and The Grand Tour, explaining why he had this exact type of Ferrari, and why he sold it.
How to Find the Bright Side
For my eulogy, I want someone to solemnly recite the lyrics to the theme song from Thunderball (by the late, great John Barry), reworded to be in the past tense.
He always (ran) while others (walked);
(He’d act) while other men just (talked).
They (called) him the winner who (took) all;
And (he’d strike) like Thunderball
He (knew) the meaning of success;
His needs (were) more so he (gave) less.
He (looked) at this world and (wanted) it all;
Then (he’d strike) like Thunderball
Any woman he (wanted, he'd) get;
He (would) break any heart without regret
His days of asking are all gone;
His fight goes on, and on, and on.
But he (thought) that the fight (was) worth it all;
So (he’d strike) like Thunderball...
How to Understand Your Parents' Wisdom
The magnet was broken in half, and as such was no longer good for its designed purpose, so mom gave it to us (after boiling it, I hope).
I never asked how the magnet got broken in half. Having been told what it was used for, I didn’t want to know.
Later I discovered I was misinformed. The magnet doesn’t pass through the cow, it lodges in one of its four stomachs and just sits there collecting metal for the rest of the cow’s life. It’s amazing how you can learn something new and have it only raise more questions.
Here’s an example. Just picture this, snapped cleanly in half.
They are also available on amazon, but I felt like the veterinary supply website would be more evocative.
As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).
How to Understand a New Technology's Place in Your Life
For a long time, I did use my phone as a pocket watch. I had an acquaintance tell me that was a bad idea, because he knew someone who did that, and was always late because the cellphone time was off.
I told him that my understanding was that the proper functioning of the cellular phone system depends on accurate time keeping, and that every time you reboot the phone, it queries the network and gets the correct time, so odds are your cell phone is far more accurate than even a quartz watch.
He responded with the one counter-argument that is almost always guaranteed to get my goat after I’ve made a detailed point. He looked at me, shook his head, said, “No,” and did not elaborate further.
Bear in mind, this is the same guy who claimed to have invented Dr Pepper, in the 1960s, by mixing all of the flavors at a soda fountain together in one cup.
As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).
How to Face Adversity
When I was a kid, I had more than one model kit that could be described as “glouie.” No matter what I built—be it an airplane, a spaceship, or a car—I would end up explaining that its owner customized their vehicle by painting giant thumbprints on its body in several places.
I have considered maybe trying out one of Bandai’s Mobile Suit Gundam model kits, as they are highly detailed, snap together (So they require no glue), and the pieces are molded in color (so they require no paint).
I haven’t done it yet because I feel like I don’t know enough about Mobile Suit Gundam, so I wouldn’t really understand the importance of the different models. I’d just be making cool looking giant robots and putting them in badass poses like they’re fighting.
Note: It’s a few days later. I’ve educated myself a little about Mobile Suit Gundam. Turns out it’s mainly a series of movies and TV shows about cool looking giant robots in badass poses, fighting.
As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).
How to Get the Details Right
Here’s NASA’s explanation of meteor vs. meteoroid vs. meteorite.
I suspect that all of these names were invented by a scientist who was trying to make another scientist feel dumb by making up a different word to correct his co-worker with no matter what he called a space rock.
As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).
How to Tell Someone that They Are out of Line
For the record, I have no problem with your “imported tentacle romantic fiction” as long as you peruse it somewhere private.
In my old office job, one of the people who had the job before me was fired. Later, his supervisor found a treasure trove of pornography on his work computer. Really, that’s the best time for your coworkers to find your office porn stash: after you’ve already been fired for something else. All the bridges are burned, they can’t do anything more to punish you, and because you don’t speak to any of them anymore, all of the discomfort is theirs.
Although, in that case the discomfort was mostly mine, as I sat at his old desk.
As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).
How to React When a Friend Does Something You Don't Think Will Work
I really believe that the primary reason men don’t embrace yoga is that is has an image of being, for want of a better term, effeminate. Yoga is an excellent exercise that requires no expensive equipment, and uses your body’s own weight for resistance. Many men are looking for exactly that sort of thing. Also, yoga often makes people pass gas, which most men would consider a huge plus. But I suspect most men who try yoga take their leave the first time they are told to lay on their back and grab their ankles for the Happy Baby pose.
That’s why I suggest someone develop yoga for insecure men, which I will call “Broga.” It would be all the same poses, but with more bro-appropriate (a-bro-priate?) names. Warrior One and Warrior Two can stay, but most of the other pose names need work. For example:
Current Name: Dancer Pose
New Name: Hood Ornament
Image Source: Wikipedia
Current Name: Down Dog
New Name: Fart Volcano
Image Source: Wikipedia
Current Name: Upward Dog
New Name: UpDawg (It’s a small change, but would make all the difference. Every time the Broga instructor says “UpDawg,” all of the students would be encouraged to shout “What’s UpDawg?!” and laugh as much as they need to.)
Image Source: Wikipedia
NOTE: I wrote this up, then did a quick search, and discovered that Broga already exists.
If anyone reading this works for the Broga organization and is interested in working on a new naming scheme for the poses, drop me an e-mail.
As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).
How to Discuss Your Feelings
Back when I worked at Walt Disney World, I would regularly see toddlers ignoring their surroundings, mesmerized with delight either by a big balloon their parents bought them or by the stairs in the lobby of their resort. I always envied those kids their ability to be made so happy by something so simple. And I felt bad for their parents that had spent thousands of dollars to transport the kid to Walt Disney World, only to have them get transfixed by stairs or a balloon, two things that I’m reasonably sure were available back at home.
As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).