How to Be Diplomatic

in

In my experience, the person who controls the availability and the quality of the coffee supply in an office wields great power. Maybe the fact that the office I worked in was in Seattle in the early 2000s had something to do with that, but what can I say? My experiences are what they are.

Of course, messing with the coffee supply was a dicey proposition, because lack of caffeine in the morning makes coffee addicts irritable, and causing that irritability by failing to supply the coffee in the first place gives them all an obvious target upon which to focus their irritability.

I think that’s why the British Navy used to placate the sailors with rum. Deny someone their rum and they get more rational, not less. 

 

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How to Be Diplomatic

in

In my experience, the person who controls the availability and the quality of the coffee supply in an office wields great power. Maybe the fact that the office I worked in was in Seattle in the early 2000s had something to do with that, but what can I say? My experiences are what they are.

Of course, messing with the coffee supply was a dicey proposition, because lack of caffeine in the morning makes coffee addicts irritable, and causing that irritability by failing to supply the coffee in the first place gives them all an obvious target upon which to focus their irritability.

I think that’s why the British Navy used to placate the sailors with rum. Deny someone their rum and they get more rational, not less. 

 

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Assert Your Individuality

in

Really, (and I may have done a comic about this, it’s all a bit of a blur,) these sorts of cultural affiliations are sort of like the adult male equivalent of Garanimals.

Garanimals are (That’s right, not was, ARE! They still have a website and still sell kids clothes, mostly at Walmart, it seems.) a children’s clothing brand where all of the garments have a tag with a picture of an animal on them. If you pick a shirt and pants that have the same animal on the label you will know they go together. Wearing a lion shirt with lion pants is fine, but wearing a lion shirt with giraffe pants means that you had no fashion sense, which we all know is a terrible burden for a nine-year-old.

What I’m saying is that for an adult man, wearing a Seahawks shirt and a Seahawks hat is fine, or a Seahawks shirt and a Mariners jacket, if he wants to push it, but he knows that he can’t wear a Seahawks shirt and a Raiders jacket, because he’ll look ridiculous. The same goes for wearing a Harley jacket over a Honda shirt, or wearing anything with a Ferrari logo while driving any other car. Sadly, 99% of all Ferrari merchandise is worn in this manner. 

 

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How to Assert Your Individuality

in

Really, (and I may have done a comic about this, it’s all a bit of a blur,) these sorts of cultural affiliations are sort of like the adult male equivalent of Garanimals.

Garanimals are (That’s right, not was, ARE! They still have a website and still sell kids clothes, mostly at Walmart, it seems.) a children’s clothing brand where all of the garments have a tag with a picture of an animal on them. If you pick a shirt and pants that have the same animal on the label you will know they go together. Wearing a lion shirt with lion pants is fine, but wearing a lion shirt with giraffe pants means that you had no fashion sense, which we all know is a terrible burden for a nine-year-old.

What I’m saying is that for an adult man, wearing a Seahawks shirt and a Seahawks hat is fine, or a Seahawks shirt and a Mariners jacket, if he wants to push it, but he knows that he can’t wear a Seahawks shirt and a Raiders jacket, because he’ll look ridiculous. The same goes for wearing a Harley jacket over a Honda shirt, or wearing anything with a Ferrari logo while driving any other car. Sadly, 99% of all Ferrari merchandise is worn in this manner. 

 

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Encourage a Friend Who's Doing Something You Don't Like

in

I dunno. I just don’t get poetry. That’s probably a terrible thing for a writer to admit. I think I gave up on poetry when my teacher spent hours droning on about about rhyme scheme and meter, then told us that a poet didn’t really have to adhere to any of it if they didn’t want to. I remember thinking, “Well then what’s the point of any of this?”

It’d be like learning the rules of a game and then being told that you can break them if the fans and the referee like you enough.

That might be why I don’t like sports that much either. 

 

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How to Encourage a Friend Who's Doing Something You Don't Like

in

I dunno. I just don’t get poetry. That’s probably a terrible thing for a writer to admit. I think I gave up on poetry when my teacher spent hours droning on about about rhyme scheme and meter, then told us that a poet didn’t really have to adhere to any of it if they didn’t want to. I remember thinking, “Well then what’s the point of any of this?”

It’d be like learning the rules of a game and then being told that you can break them if the fans and the referee like you enough.

That might be why I don’t like sports that much either. 

 

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Tell Someone How You Are "Doing"

in

The idea of the bowel cannon is one that predates the comic. It started out as a piece of stand-up material I could never get to work.

It’s amazing how many of my memories of my stand-up career start with the phrase “There was this bit I could never get to work ...”

The original idea was that a typical meal at a steakhouse—a bunch of bread followed by a big piece of meat followed by a cup of coffee—was analogous to the wadding, cannonball and explosive charge they used in breach loading cannons.

Back then I described the results in greater, or at least more graphic detail. The bit did not contain the word “analogous.” Drunk comedy club patrons in smaller towns do not take kindly to words like “analogous.”


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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Tell Someone How You Are "Doing"

in

The idea of the bowel cannon is one that predates the comic. It started out as a piece of stand-up material I could never get to work.

It’s amazing how many of my memories of my stand-up career start with the phrase “There was this bit I could never get to work ...”

The original idea was that a typical meal at a steakhouse—a bunch of bread followed by a big piece of meat followed by a cup of coffee—was analogous to the wadding, cannonball and explosive charge they used in breach loading cannons.

Back then I described the results in greater, or at least more graphic detail. The bit did not contain the word “analogous.” Drunk comedy club patrons in smaller towns do not take kindly to words like “analogous.”


You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Lose with Dignity

in

My brothers and I had a Nintendo. Later on I had access to my younger brother’s super Nintendo and his N64. Missy’s family had an Intellivision, then jumped to computers and never looked back.

Later, after Missy and I got married, I bought a GameCube and go a copy of Mario Kart: Double Dash. Missy watched me play it for a day or so, then picked it up one afternoon while I was doing other things. We started racing each other. Naturally, I figured that superior experience playing videogames would give me a natural advantage. By the end of the day she was consistently beating me.

In Star Wars: The Force Awakens, when Kylo Ren reached out for Luke’s lightsaber and it flew past him into Rey’s hand, I knew how he felt.

 

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Lose with Dignity

in

My brothers and I had a Nintendo. Later on I had access to my younger brother’s super Nintendo and his N64. Missy’s family had an Intellivision, then jumped to computers and never looked back.

Later, after Missy and I got married, I bought a GameCube and go a copy of Mario Kart: Double Dash. Missy watched me play it for a day or so, then picked it up one afternoon while I was doing other things. We started racing each other. Naturally, I figured that superior experience playing videogames would give me a natural advantage. By the end of the day she was consistently beating me.

In Star Wars: The Force Awakens, when Kylo Ren reached out for Luke’s lightsaber and it flew past him into Rey’s hand, I knew how he felt.

 

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).