How to Deal with a Problem
The difficult thing about making up ridiculous superheroes as a joke is that it’s next to impossible to out-ridiculous the actual comic book industry.
I picked the name “Legion of Superheroes” thinking it was far too clunky to have ever been used for real, but it was, by DC. According to Wikipedia, “Lightning Boy, Saturn Girl, and Cosmic Boy, were members of a "super-hero club" called the Legion of Super-Heroes.”
You have to wonder why they went with “Cosmic Boy,” over “Cosmic Kid.”
Later members included Bouncing Boy and Matter-Eater Lad. I’ll let you guess which is which.
How to Explain Your Tastes
Here’s an interesting fact! The Kingdome opened in 1976 and was demolished in 2000, 24 years later.
Safeco Field, Seattle’s “new” ball field, opened in 1999. It is now 2021, 22 years later.
In 2 years, Safeco Field will be as old as the Kingdome was! Isn’t that interesting? (I find that horrifying reminders of the passage of time and my own growing decrepitude tend to be “interesting.”)
Of course, the Kingdome was, and I say this with the fondness of a born and raised Washingtonian, awful. People said it looked like a rusty hubcap on a dusty old tire. The men’s rooms consisted of cinderblock room with a few toilets and two stainless steel troughs, one for washing your hands and the other not for washing your hands. Seahawks fans used to brag that it was the loudest stadium in the NFL. They pretended it was because of fan enthusiasm, but we all knew it was due to inadequate sound deadening on the inside of the concrete roof.
The day they imploded the Kingdome I was flying home from a week at a comedy club in Minneapolis. The pilot pointed out that the rubble and cloud were clearly visible out the right side of the plane. I was seated on the left side of the plane. I got a great view of people on the right side’s butts as they crowded against the window and talk about how amazing it was.
Even in death, the Kingdome disappointed me.
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How to Understand the Smartphone Market
I’ve come to the realization that nobody is impressed by how nice a smartphone you have.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy a nice phone and enjoy it. Just that you shouldn’t expect anyone to be impressed. You especially shouldn’t point your phone out to them and explain to them at length why they should be impressed.
A good rule of thumb is, “If you need to tell them they should be impressed, they won’t be.”
I wish I could tell you that piece of wisdom didn’t come from bitter experience.
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How to Share Your Problems
I learned a harsh lesson about being too honest with my boss when I was a teenager, working in the lucrative fast-food industry. One day I had a terrible cough, sore throat, and a lack of energy, and I made the mistake of letting my boss hear me say that I hoped it wasn’t too busy that day. He explained at great length and volume how it was much better for me in the long run if we were busy.
Yeah, he was right, but don’t start thinking too well of him. I’ll remind you that he was having a conversation with an employee at his restaurant who had bronchitis, and possibly strep throat, and his position was not only that the employee should remain at work, but that he should hope to serve food to as many people as possible.
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How to See the Best in People
Every generation seems to think the next generation’s music is crap. I know my mother felt that the music I was listening to when I was a teenager was of poor quality, and probably was a bad influence. At the time, I thought she was being silly.
Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can tell you yes, she was being silly.
Bear in mind, I was listening to Phil Collins, Dire Straits, and Pink Floyd, while she was listening to Johnny Paycheck.
Here’s a fun tidbit from mister Paycheck’s Wikipedia page.
“In 1981, Paycheck was arrested for statutory rape of a 12 year old girl in Wyoming, and appeared on an episode of the television show The Dukes of Hazzard as himself.”
The 1980s were a different time.
How to Justify Upgrading Your Computer
If you’re using a computer that has a mechanical, spinning-disk hard drive, and you want it to be faster, I strongly suggest getting a Solid State Drive (which, from this point forward I will refer to as an SSD).
I upgraded to an SSD years ago. I told Missy many times that I wanted to upgrade her computer with one, but she wasn’t interested. Something about not fixing what isn’t broken.
Then, one day, she complained that her computer took too long to boot up.
I said, “We should get you an SSD.”
She asked, “Would that make it boot faster?”
It still makes me smile when I remember the look on her face as she watched my computer boot up and shouted, “Are you shitting me?!”
She has had an SSD ever since.
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How to Adjust to Society's "Progress"
I have the same problem with “fee fi fo fum” that I had with the musical Cats. If you’re just using made up nonsense words anyway, it’s unforgivably lazy to not at least make up gibberish that rhymes.
“Fee fi fo fan, I smell the blood of an Englishman.” How hard was that?!
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How to Learn About Yourself
I can’t eat at Hooters. I tried once. It was just no good. I became extremely self-conscious about where I was looking. Every time the waitress got anywhere near my table, I ended up forcing myself to maintain eye contact with her the entire time. I’m pretty sure my efforts not to ogle her gave her the creeps.
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