How to Win at Monopoly Without Losing a Friend

I’m good at Monopoly, or at least I used to be. People stopped playing with me after a while.

It’s not like I’d rub it in when I won. I pride myself on not gloating. It’s just that the game of Monopoly sort of has rubbing it in built into the game. It’s rare to lose quickly at Monopoly. Usually, getting beaten takes about an hour. It’s a well-known feature of the game, so much so that on the rare occasion that someone does get decimated in one or two turns, it’s all the more embarrassing for them.

 

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How to Drive a Long Distance

I always say that I was a professional comedian for twelve years, but because I was clinging to the bottom few rungs of the showbiz ladder, and I was doing so in the American Northwest, really, I was more of a professional driver than an entertainer.

If someone offered me a job driving my own car, paying for my own fuel, going eight to twelve hours a day, four or five days in a row, usually with some obnoxious person I didn’t enjoy sitting in the passenger seat for $100 or so dollars a day, there’s no way I’d take it. But when I was in my twenties, if they added me doing my act in a bar when I arrived at my destination every night, I took the job and thanked them for the opportunity.

I was, in short, a moron.

On an unrelated note, The last panel was done as a favor for a reader who worked for a trucking company and hoped my comic would be good for the drivers’ morale. I don’t know if it worked, but they sent me a nice hat with the company logo on it, which I still have.

 

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How to Compete to the Utmost

Battleship was a great game. It was fun, simple, portable, and inexpensive. Then they improved it.

I remember the first time I saw “Electronic Battleship.” The game board was a big, bulky, and heavy, and programming it to play a game was more challenging than the game itself.

On a more positive note, to this day, when trying to psyche myself up for things, I will still mutter “Eye of the tiger. Hungry like the wolf. Walk like an Egyptian.”

 

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How to Learn the Error of Your Ways from Three Ghosts That Visit You on Christmas Eve

When Ric and I first met, we were both comedians. He was much farther along in his career than I was. Still, “mentor” is too strong a term for his place in my career. I’d describe his role as being somewhere between “occasional advisor” and “cautionary example.”

We knew a guy who taught a stand-up comedy class. He would occasionally ask comedians to speak at his classes. He never asked me or Ric to speak. We once spent a large portion of a drive to a gig thinking about what we would say if he did. Here are the few things we came up with that I remember:

“Fear can keep you alive.”

“A wish to be famous is a terrible reason to go into comedy. A wish to pay your bills is an even worse reason.”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned traveling the country doing comedy, it’s this: ‘People hate comedians.’”

 

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How to Lie for Recreational Purposes

In this comic, I refer to the coworker who is not Jenkins as “Smitty.” In later comics, I call him Graham. Many readers have pointed this out as being a mistake on my part. I would suggest that Smitty could be his first name and Graham his last name. Or, it could be the other way around. Or I could just be calling him Smitty as a kind of nick name. All of these are perfectly plausible explanations.

Of course, anyone who knows me will tell you that it’s far more plausible that I just forgot that I’d named the character Smitty, but that’s not the point. The point is that the other explanations I just made up are plausible as well!

Note from Missy: It’s probably for the best (and by “best” I mean “easiest to remember”) that Scott finally settled into just using the character models’ actual names for their characters. Except for Jenkins, who I haven’t seen in person for so long, it’d be very hard to call him Mike if I ran into him.

Also: Graham here was only 18 or 19 when these reference photos were taken. 10 year later, he hasn’t aged a day to my eye. Except he now has a beard even fuller and more lush than Jenkins has.

 

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How to Remember a Good Idea

The very act of pulling out a notebook and jotting something down makes people nervous. I once wrote down an idea for a comic and had someone who just happened to be nearby accuse me of keeping tabs on what they were doing. I asked what they were doing that they thought I’d want to make a note of it. They didn’t want to answer.

These days, I use a notebook app on my phone. People think I’m writing an e-mail, and it doesn’t faze them. It’s odd, because I could just as easily be emailing someone to report about their activities.

 

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How to Talk a Friend Through a Problem

This comic reinforces my opinion that I was, in fact, the villain of Basic Instructions. Look at this thing! That poor guy came to me to commiserate about his problems, and I accuse both him and his teenage daughter of having body odor.

 Yeah, Mullet Boss and the angry customer weren’t great either, but for the most part, Basic Instructions was a comic about me behaving selfishly and heaping smug verbal abuse on anyone who stumbled into range. That may be why it always amazed me when a reader would express an interest in actually meeting me.

Note from Missy: On the other hand, having been a teenage girl, I wish all the other teenage girls had been given the gift of a light blue container. :D

 

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How to Use Your Words

In the fourth panel, I refer to his hair as being “Architectural” because it’s erect and ridged, but in retrospect, the hair, as I’ve drawn it (I.E. “poorly”), does sort of resemble they Sydney Opera House, so that’s something.

Note from Missy: Lest you think Scott’s exaggerating about his words, one time he injured himself and, instead of shouting “ouch” or some profanity, said, “that’s unfortunate.” The man truly is a human protocol droid.

 

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How to Go to Your Mental Happy Place

When this comic first ran, I received numerous complaints. Nobody complained that I was objectifying women. Rather, they (men and women both) took issue with the specific characters I chose. I got a lot of “Kaylee, not Inara?” and some “Boomer, not Six?”

I always answered that one with “That isn’t Boomer, it’s Athena,” which solved nothing, but made me smile.

The third character shown confused many people. Some thought it was Daphne the Speedster from Heroes, but it was, in fact, Chiana from Farscape. I’m sure you’ll sleep better knowing that.

Note from Missy: How weird that I watched the full runs of both Farscape and Heroes, and while I remember Chiana very well, I have absolutely no memory of Daphne.

 

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