How to Sign a Greeting Card at Work

Signing a birthday card for a coworker is a challenge. You have to think about what you write, and about what the thing you write says. Just signing the card is the minimum allowed, and as such is a bit of an insult. By just signing your name you’re basically adding yourself to a list of people who would rather not acknowledge the recipient at all, but are being forced to.

Writing “Happy Birthday” is little better, as several other people will have already written it, and, presumably, it’s written on the card. It says that you care enough to make a little extra effort, but not enough to think about it even for half a second.

I suggest writing either: “Good job surviving!” or “One year closer to the statute of limitations expiring!”

This comic marks the first mention of Jenkins, and the first appearance of Mullet Boss. Looking at it I gotta say, he is really poorly drawn.

Note from Missy: In Scott’s former life of stand-up comedy, he used the name “Jenkins” as the coworker that people don’t like. I’m fascinated that he didn’t have a face yet; just a name, and at this point he’s 50 years old. (The guy that ended up being the reference model was in his mid-20s.)

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Sign a Greeting Card at Work

Signing a birthday card for a coworker is a challenge. You have to think about what you write, and about what the thing you write says. Just signing the card is the minimum allowed, and as such is a bit of an insult. By just signing your name you’re basically adding yourself to a list of people who would rather not acknowledge the recipient at all, but are being forced to.

Writing “Happy Birthday” is little better, as several other people will have already written it, and, presumably, it’s written on the card. It says that you care enough to make a little extra effort, but not enough to think about it even for half a second.

I suggest writing either: “Good job surviving!” or “One year closer to the statute of limitations expiring!”

This comic marks the first mention of Jenkins, and the first appearance of Mullet Boss. Looking at it I gotta say, he is really poorly drawn.

Note from Missy: In Scott’s former life of stand-up comedy, he used the name “Jenkins” as the coworker that people don’t like. I’m fascinated that he didn’t have a face yet; just a name, and at this point he’s 50 years old. (The guy that ended up being the reference model was in his mid-20s.)

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Be a Gentleman Cat Burglar

I really like the idea of a burglar using a grappling hook as a blunt weapon instead of, you know, a grappling hook.

Am I the only one who got his early impression of what the life of a cat burglar is like from the first part of the film The Return of the Pink Panther? That opening sequence did more to glamorize a life of crime than any video game or hip-hop song I’ve ever heard. I saw that movie as a small child and still, to this day, I want a crossbow.

Then we get to the fourth panel and … wow. Brows doesn’t get much lower than that!

Note from Missy: I just want to point out that there’s an empty egg carton on the fancy column. Presumably to hold all of the Fabergé eggs that were stolen.

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Be a Gentleman Cat Burglar

I really like the idea of a burglar using a grappling hook as a blunt weapon instead of, you know, a grappling hook.

Am I the only one who got his early impression of what the life of a cat burglar is like from the first part of the film The Return of the Pink Panther? That opening sequence did more to glamorize a life of crime than any video game or hip-hop song I’ve ever heard. I saw that movie as a small child and still, to this day, I want a crossbow.

Then we get to the fourth panel and … wow. Brows doesn’t get much lower than that!

Note from Missy: I just want to point out that there’s an empty egg carton on the fancy column. Presumably to hold all of the Fabergé eggs that were stolen.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Fake a Smile

This was one of my first really popular comics, and panel three is one of the most popular images I ever drew, right behind the logo of the comic.

It’s true. I have a fake looking smile. Any time I show teeth it looks weird and unnatural. It’s an affliction that both of my brothers suffer as well.

Any time our mom tried to take a picture of the three of us, it always went the same way. We’d smile with our mouths closed. Mom would tell us to smile. We’d say we were. She’d say “No, smile pretty! With teeth!” We’d say our smiles look fake. She’d tell us not to be silly and order us to smile. We’d do it, then she’d yell, “No, not like that! Don’t make stupid faces! Smile pretty!” There would be some arguing, and eventually she’d take a picture in which we all looked angry.

Looking at this comic now, I’m more than a little uncomfortable with the punchline in panel four. It’s not a joke I’d make today. In my defense, this comic was written back before people started referring to all homeless people as hobos. Back then it still meant men from the 1940s or earlier who hopped freight cars with their belongings in a bindle. The idea that it was such an anachronistic image added to the humor for me. As I remember it, a year or so later, some city with a large rail yard was terrorized by what the evening news called a “Murderous Hobo.” I heard that and asked, “Have we made no progress as a society?”

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Fake a Smile

This was one of my first really popular comics, and panel three is one of the most popular images I ever drew, right behind the logo of the comic.

It’s true. I have a fake looking smile. Any time I show teeth it looks weird and unnatural. It’s an affliction that both of my brothers suffer as well.

Any time our mom tried to take a picture of the three of us, it always went the same way. We’d smile with our mouths closed. Mom would tell us to smile. We’d say we were. She’d say “No, smile pretty! With teeth!” We’d say our smiles look fake. She’d tell us not to be silly and order us to smile. We’d do it, then she’d yell, “No, not like that! Don’t make stupid faces! Smile pretty!” There would be some arguing, and eventually she’d take a picture in which we all looked angry.

Looking at this comic now, I’m more than a little uncomfortable with the punchline in panel four. It’s not a joke I’d make today. In my defense, this comic was written back before people started referring to all homeless people as hobos. Back then it still meant men from the 1940s or earlier who hopped freight cars with their belongings in a bindle. The idea that it was such an anachronistic image added to the humor for me. As I remember it, a year or so later, some city with a large rail yard was terrorized by what the evening news called a “Murderous Hobo.” I heard that and asked, “Have we made no progress as a society?”

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Deal with a Crazy Spouse

This comic is based on a true story. NOT a story about my marriage, I might add. Someone else I know had their spouse act openly hostile for an entire morning. When asked why they were being hostile, the spouse explained that my acquaintance had been mean to them in a dream the night before. This was (I’m told) given as if it was a perfectly logical reason. My memory is that my friend pleaded that they have no control over what happens in another person’s dream, to which their spouse replied, “Oh, so it’s all my fault?” The spouse laughed as they said this, seeing that they were being silly, but still, that was a morning wasted.

The best move I ever made was marrying someone sane.

Note from Missy: 5 stars for the commentary! However, 1.5 stars for the artwork on this one. Also, the website called out along the bottom no longer exists—we let the hellomeyer domain expire, and now it’s been picked up by someone else who writes bafflingly-worded blog posts about the music business.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Deal with a Crazy Spouse

This comic is based on a true story. NOT a story about my marriage, I might add. Someone else I know had their spouse act openly hostile for an entire morning. When asked why they were being hostile, the spouse explained that my acquaintance had been mean to them in a dream the night before. This was (I’m told) given as if it was a perfectly logical reason. My memory is that my friend pleaded that they have no control over what happens in another person’s dream, to which their spouse replied, “Oh, so it’s all my fault?” The spouse laughed as they said this, seeing that they were being silly, but still, that was a morning wasted.

The best move I ever made was marrying someone sane.

Note from Missy: 5 stars for the commentary! However, 1.5 stars for the artwork on this one. Also, the website called out along the bottom no longer exists—we let the hellomeyer domain expire, and now it’s been picked up by someone else who writes bafflingly-worded blog posts about the music business.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Talk to Your Kid About Smoking

Okay, this … THIS … is one of the better comics I ever produced (in my opinion).

Really, looking back, I think one of the main things that kept me from taking up smoking was that my mother and her friends smoked. They made it look anything but cool.

When other teenaged guys thought of smoking they thought of … I dunno … poker games, cigars, and cool Zippo lighters. I thought of home permanents, ultra slim cigarettes, and cheap plastic disposable lighters with the owner’s zodiac sign silkscreened on the side in one color of ink.

Note from Missy: Font change! I used to make new handwriting fonts every year or two. I think this one ended up being the BI font for the rest of the run.

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As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

How to Talk to Your Kid About Smoking

Okay, this … THIS … is one of the better comics I ever produced (in my opinion).

Really, looking back, I think one of the main things that kept me from taking up smoking was that my mother and her friends smoked. They made it look anything but cool.

When other teenaged guys thought of smoking they thought of … I dunno … poker games, cigars, and cool Zippo lighters. I thought of home permanents, ultra slim cigarettes, and cheap plastic disposable lighters with the owner’s zodiac sign silkscreened on the side in one color of ink.

Note from Missy: Font change! I used to make new handwriting fonts every year or two. I think this one ended up being the BI font for the rest of the run.

You can comment on this comic on Facebook.

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).