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More Goldfinger

Well, I heard from some people who were enjoying the Goldfinger updates, so here we go. If you’re not intereted in the continued non-adventures of Mr. Bond, you might want to skip this post.

Let’s see, where’d I leave off.

Bond offers to pay for the attractive woman’s repair bill and hotel. She insists that he drive her to Geneva instead. Bond agrees. After they reach this agreement, he orders her to go get them lunch. She does so without argument.

He drives like a maniac all the way to Geneva. When they get there, she gives him her name and the name of the hotel where she’s staying. He checks in on her later and finds it was a fake name and the hotel never heard of her.

Bond finds Goldfinger’s lair. He attempts to sneak up on it under cover of darkness and nearly trips over the woman, who is hiding with a sniper rifle, clearly planning to kill Goldfinger. He attacks her, then quiets her by pointing out that he’s “A friend.” She explains that her sister was the female employee of Goldfinger’s that Bond shared the romantic off-camera weekend with earlier in the book. She says that part of her sister’s job had been allowing Odd Job to paint her gold so Goldfinger could have sex with her, and by proxy, gold itself (That’s more like it!) He killed her by not leaving a patch of skin bare so her skin could breath, like in the movie.

Bond swears vengeance. Then Odd Job shows up with a bow and arrow and Bond and the girl give up without a fight.

They are taken to see Goldfinger. Bond attacks him, and is swatted down like a fly by Odd Job.

Bond wakes up to find himself strapped to a table saw. Miss Masterton (the woman) is tied to a chair and drugged. They turn on the saw, which creeps toward Bond’s crotch inch by inch. Bond tries three things to get out of his predicament. He sucks up to Goldfinger, and when it becomes clear that that won’t work he offers to work for Goldfinger. When that fails too, he closes his eyes, holds his breath and prays for death.

Bond blacks out.

He wakes to find himself strapped down and being transported. Goldfinger tells a doctor that Bond and Miss Masterton are insane, and that his taking them to a clinic to be made sane again somehow. Bond comes to his senses and begs the doctor for help. He literally begs. Goldfinger twirls a finger around his ear, and the doctor promptly sedates Bond.

Bond wakes up naked in a room with all his clothes cleaned and folded. He gets dressed. He sees that Goldfinger has spared him, so he decides to use this extra chunk of life doing something he enjoys: abusing the Koreans who work for Goldfinger. (You think I’m kidding, but he actually refers putting them in their place, which is “lower than apes.”)

Goldfinger comes in to explain why Bond and Masterton are still alive. He was impressed with the qualities Bond showed while strapped to the saw, holding his breath. He decided that the two of them will work for Goldfinger. Goldfinger is engaged in a monumental criminal enterprise. Goldfinger then gives the original version of my favorite speech from the film.

“Man has climbed Everest and he has scraped the depths of the ocean. He has fired rockets into outer space and split the atom. He has invented, devised, created in every realm of human endeavour, and everywhere he has triumphed, broken records, achieved miracles. I said in every realm, but there is one that has been neglected, Mr. Bond. That one is the human activity loosely known as crime.”

(At this point, I’m getting worried that the book is going to stop being pathetic, and will turn into what I always think of as a James Bond adventure.)

The crime Goldfinger has planned will generate lots of paperwork. Bond will do this paperwork, and Miss Masterton will be his secretary.

(I breathe a sigh of relief.)

Reader Comments (8)

I read the Ian Fleming books when I was a kid. At the time I thought they were spy books, just as later in life I would think that the "Barney Miller" TV show was about police work. I'm a slow study.

Your travelogue through Goldfinger is a blast. Many thanks!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKurt Shoens

Thank you for this, Scott. The book is hilarious in its mundanity.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDave

Scott,

Wow, that is next level lameness.

Two quick things:

1) How in the world did anyone read this and say, "This is an action movie just WAITING to happen! We'll all be rich beyond belief!"

2) I'd never put together why old Bond novels don't resurface every time a Bond film does well. Lord of the Rings sold a LOT of books, etc...

Now we know. Thanks for saving me the pain of reading this myself :)

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterE

This is excellent, Scott. I hope you continue this. I feel a little bad that I didn't say so before, and made you think no one cared.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWilson

I too hope you continue this. I'm one of the guilty ones who didn't say anything, but only cause I didn't have much to say. The blow-by-blow posts are hilarious though :)

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCookie

If you want a real thrill, try the book version of You Only Live Twice.
There's a step-by-step account of a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDylan

Awesome work Scott! http://twitpic.com/10ekup

January 30, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterder5er

A little late to the party, but I have also enjoyed the Goldfinger updates, and was just wondering when the next one would post.
Paperwork. How riveting. (I'm sure that Bond will uncover something in said paperwork to unravel the whole of Goldfinger's dastardly plot. WOW!)

February 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCR

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