So, tomorrow … tonigh, by the time most of you read this … except those who are reading my archives in the future … let me start over.
On the night of 1-14-10, my wife and I will be attending the Jonathan Coulton concert in Orlando, FL. I will be wearing the original Infini-Tee, but I will not have a goatee. Missy will look pretty much like she always has. The first person to walk up to us and say “The details are unimportant” will get mailed a signed copy of my book later.
Now on to the important business: The Goldfinger update!
I am reading the original Ian Fleming novel “Goldfinger.” I expected it to be as slick and action-packed as the film. That has not been the case. Before I continue, let me show you the importance the film has in my life. Below is the one drawing I’ve ever done that I liked enough to hang on my wall.
It’s called “Son of Henchman,” and I flatter myself to think that it’s amusing, if you’re both a Bond fan and an art historian.
Anyhoo, if you want to catch up to where I left off, here’s a link to my last post. Now that we’re all caught up, here’s what’s happened since then. I promise I am leaving out no “good parts.” You may find this more entertaining if you hum the James Bond Theme as you read, for irony’s sake.
Bond and Goldfinger get into a high-stakes game of golf, which is described stroke for stroke for what seems like all eighteen holes.
Goldfinger cheats shamelessly, which is presented as the height of classlessness.
Bond wins by cheating, which he feels no guilt about doing.
Goldfinger invites Bond over for dinner.
Bond arrives at Goldfinger’s home, and Goldfinger immediately leaves on business, promising to be back in thirty minutes.
Bond snoops around and finds … nothing. Well, nothing but the film camera Goldfinger used to film Bond snooping.
Bond destroys the film, then frames the housecat for the destruction.
Goldfinger returns. Goldfinger pets the cat. He and Bond eat. They discuss the poisonous compounds found in liquor.
For after-dinner entertainment, Goldfinger has Odd Job (FINALLY ODD JOB!! This should be something!) break the banister and the mantle in Goldfinger’s own house.
Goldfinger explains that Odd Job is one of only five men in the world to have achieved a black-belt in something called “Karate.”
For the finale, Odd Job throws his hat across the room. Now I quote: “For an instant the rim of the bowler hat stuck an inch deep in the panel Goldfinger had indicated, then it fell and clattered on the floor.” (That figures, I thought.)
Goldfinger points out that using the hat in this way damages the felt, but that Odd Job is able to fix it, as he is handy with a needle and thread.
Goldfinger rewards Odd Job for putting on such a good show by telling him he can eat the cat.
Goldfinger bids Bond farewell, and mentions he’s leaving the country the next day.
Bond goes to the airport and plants a homing device on Goldfinger’s car. It is explained that the receiver is in Bond’s Aston Martin. The device tells Bond roughly how close he is to Goldfinger’s car, and nothing else. The device has a range of one hundred miles.
Bond spends an interminable amount of time “following” Goldfinger by hanging back several miles and trying to guess what direction Goldfinger is traveling. If Bond guesses wrong at a fork in the road, he has to speed back and take the other fork. He does this more than once.
Bond sees a beautiful woman driving a Triumph. He fantasizes about a romantic interlude with her. How they meet, where they dine, how she demurely rejects his advances. It’s all quite prim. Then, when he gets to the part where she gives in to him, he coyly trails off. Then he realizes she’s tailing Goldfinger too.
He watches through binoculars while Goldfinger has a picnic. Goldfinger hides a gold brick under a bridge, presumably for the Russians. Bond steals it.
Bond notices the attractive woman is tailgating him. He stops that by slamming his car into reverse so she rear-ends him. She slaps him (the only bona fide act of violence in the narrative so far) and he condescends to her.
That’s where I am. I’m over halfway done with the book.